They Love Me…They Love Me Not.
These past couple of months, I haven’t felt as compelled to write here. I blamed it on the fact that I was occupied with work, classes, and the hundreds of other obligations I put on my plate. Yet, the longer I waited I realized it was simply because I wasn’t interested in sharing my inner dialogue with the world. Life can be peaceful when you only do things for yourself, without having to care about how to present it to another. My blog originated to be an extension of me, and while it sits on a public domain my purpose was selfish in the way that I wanted it to make me happy. Somehow, it became how can I make others happy with what I write about? This website is something I am immensely proud of, and when I noticed I was drifting farther from its objective I took a breather. If something has my name on it, it ought to be my most thoughtful work.
Much of this world is built on uncertainty. Regardless of how much we try to know, the outcome of any decision is always a surprise. The result may go as intended or it may redirect you towards something entirely different. Growing up, fear of the future was a product of this uncertainty. I remember I was forced to be responsible for my actions and reality had set in, I hyper-focused on answers to questions that were impossible to know. It honestly made me quite impatient. I always had to know what was coming next because it was almost as if I expected the worst. For the many people who think like my old self, the word “uncertain” has a rather negative connotation; unnerving might be a common feeling that comes to mind. At some point in my life, I might have agreed with that sentiment, but since then I have adopted a new mindset. If you know me personally, you know that I put a lot of trust in this world. There are very few things that bring me into a state of worry or emergency, not because I care about so little, but rather the opposite. In fact, I have quite a story that might give you all a heart attack, but it perfectly explains my newfound identity (haha). Boston College only gave me three years of housing, unfortunately, which meant that I had to find a place to stay for my junior year. Some determined people finalized these off-campus listings at the end of their freshmen years, while others made it a priority during their sophomore years. Regardless of the timeline, it is definitely a huge commitment that people have to plan out a year or two in advance. All of my friends that I would want to live with had four years of housing, so I had to figure it out alone. During my sophomore year, people would check in with me periodically to ask if I knew about my housing arrangements, to which I would respond with no or not yet (also mind your business). Quite frankly, I had not known until a month (or a couple of weeks) before moving back to school. It wasn’t like there weren’t options, I just kept saying no to every potential chance. If I wanted to act upon desperation, sure I could have decided much sooner. There were always people needing another roommate or solo apartments available, but it never felt right. I knew the longer I waited that my options would become much more limited. Yet, I would rather wait than restrict myself somewhere just because I assumed it wouldn’t work in my favor. I had faith, and it was worth it. I have the best apartment with the world’s cutest roommate (mwah), and I actually refused my last year on campus to stay here with her.
I have grown to refrain from living my life in constant fear because I place an expectation for outcomes to work out in the end. I am not sure whether it’s confidence or delusion (maybe both), but I always expect nothing but the best result. Instead of waiting for a hindrance or even assuming those terrible events may happen, I have altered my mentality to see uncertainty as a positive thing, to make the outcome reflect my expectations. There is a strong positive correlation between anticipating the best and receiving it. It’s a sense of entitlement over myself and my life, where I control the future instead of allowing it to control me. Otherwise, if I lived every day waiting for misfortune, I might as well ask for it. Hmm, have you ever heard of the saying “waiting for the other shoe to drop (I wouldn’t blame you if you hadn’t I also did just hear it yesterday)?” When life appears to be on an upward trajectory, it might seem too good to be true that we wait for something to interrupt it. Yet, life doesn’t have to change its direction, should you see it that way. There will always be a day when everything seems wrong, but it won’t bring the whole thing down unless you let it. After all, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
- With Love, Fiza Usman
